


All the Single Ladies

by chocolafied, LunaTheLoneWolf



Series: Crack Creed [5]
Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Boyfriends, Drama Llama, Gen, Girl issues, Inspired by Real Events, Love Hating, Never go to Ezio for Romance Advice, Parody, Post-Break Up, girl talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 14:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2272869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolafied/pseuds/chocolafied, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaTheLoneWolf/pseuds/LunaTheLoneWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paola has a boyfriend. They break up. She cries. Claudia makes tea while Caterina comforts. More girls show up. Soon, it's just a huge talk between all the single ladies at the base... or, most of them, at least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Single Ladies

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of the face that our Paola does get a lot of boyfriends and Ezio really does hate love. :'D

**Characters in this story:**

 

** ** ****

* * *

 

                Paola was curled up in Caterina’s lap, wailing as yet another man broke up with her this month. The noble woman sighed, clearly annoyed as she stroked the smaller woman’s head soothingly. “I don’t understand what’s wrong with me! NOBODY LOVES ME!”

                “That’s not true, Paola. I’m still your friend and so is everyone else here,” Caterina raised a hand to gesture to the whole of the lounging room in the Assassin’s base in Constantinople. The courtesan nodded and hugged the older woman.

                “Thanks, Cat.”

                The other woman smiled in returned and returned the embrace. Claudia then came in, carrying in a tray with three tea cups on it and a teapot to serve their drinks. She took her seat on the sofa next to the pair and began pouring the tea, handing one cup to Paola, then Caterina, and then herself. “Men are more trouble than they’re worth, Paola.”

                Paola nodded meekly, the beads around her head swinging up and down with the motion as she took a sip of the refreshing drink. The Countess took a sip herself and then sighed contently. A thought came to mind and she laughed nervously. “It’s a good thing Ezio isn’t here.”

                The eyes of the other two ladies threatened to pop out of their sockets as they almost spat out their drinks and nodded their heads vigorously. “Her talking about romance,” she began. “Is like going to the Plague Doctor for treating a cut!”

                “What about me?” The Doctor peered around the corner curiously. The three Italian women on the couch froze and went stiff as the physician entered the room and sat across from them with a hop in her step. After waiting a few minutes to make sure she wasn’t going to try some “experiment” on them, the discussion picked up again.

                Paola shook her head and sighed, resting her cup of tea on the sofa table in front of the couch. “Ezio doesn’t know a thing about guys, or love.”

                “She hangs out with Yusuf so much the two are practically too busy killing Templars to consider being in a relationship.”

                “What about Yusuf?” an additional voice chimed in from the kitchen.

                The four of them turned to see Rosa coming in the room and nonchalantly tossing her back at the end of the couch while her feet went to rest on the coffee table as her arms swung around the back of the couch.

                And then there were five single ladies.

                “Hey Rosa!” Claudia greeted warmly.

                “Hey, we were just talking about Ezio and Yusuf.”

                “I heard.” The thief nodded lightly and then looked over at Paola and saw the stains on her cheeks and her ruined makeup. “Did someone break up with her again?”

                The courtesan nodded.

                And the group excluding her all tipped their heads back and groaned loudly in annoyance. The thief closed her eyes and sucked her teeth. “Men are so stupid.”

                “YUP!” the group chorused.

                “So,” the Doctor paused and adjusted her glasses. “What were you guys saying about Ezio and Yusuf?”

                “That it’s a good thing that Ezio isn’t here because the word “romance”,” Claudia drew up air quotes with her hands while rolling her eyes. “Doesn’t exist in _the Mentor’s_ vocabulary.”

                Caterina nodded her head in complete agreement and then turned to the others to talk again. “I don’t get her problem with it! Love is a normal thing for people.”

                Paola took another sip of her tea and looked up at the noble woman. “But Ezio isn’t normal.”

                “No, no she isn’t.” The Auditore girl agreed.

                “Oh! I saw Yusuf earlier!” Rosa finally spoke up. She leaned forward in a quick movement and looked up, pursing her lips as she tried to gather her thoughts. “She…she said something about coming back earlier from—”

                The door opened and shut with a _BOOM!_ And aforementioned assassin walked in, gun powder covering her face, along with a few scratches. “Hey guys!” The smile on her face reached from one ear to the other as the five females stared up at her and merely blinked. “So…what’s up?” the grin turned into confusion, and confusion slowly boiled into rage as she eyed Paola. “Wait…tea, girl talk, talking about De la la la being an ass about relationships, Paola has puffy eyes…” a pointed look appeared on her face, followed by an annoyed growl from her throat. “Do I have to kill another man or…is it _the Rat_ again?”

                “Yusuf, it’s not Duccio. Calm yourself!”

                “Then… _what_?” The said assassin arched an eyebrow.

                “We were talking about Ezio and her repulsiveness towards love.” The Plague Doctor spoke up innocently as she fiddled with a syringe in her hands idly.

                “…I don’t see why Paola would cry over that.” Yusuf blinked at the physician and then looked at Caterina. “…Cat?”

                “She came up in conversation because of how ridiculous she acts about it. Ezio acts as if it’s the plague itself—”

                “Oh! I can cure her then!” The doctor grinned maddeningly while holding up the shiny needle in her hands. Claudia threw an empty teacup at her.

                “Cersa, no!” Claudia almost screamed at the doctor. Cersa merely chuckled before settling back down on the couch.

                Rosa cleared her throat and sighed. “They said that you and Ezio are so busy killing people that you wouldn’t have time to be involved with anyone.”

                Yusuf pursed her lips and rolled her eyes. "What? Against love? Not touching the subject with a ten foot pole? Like Ezio on the topic? Psssh, please. Just because I kill people for a living doesn't mean I don't want to find a guy eventually. I just want someone with a good... personality, I guess. I want someone who will be kind and will be there for me and except me for who I am." She then laughed. "Good looks would be an awesome bonus though!"

                The others laughed lightly at the last part. Paola shook her head and smiled. “Thanks guys. Really. But why do you think Ezio always acts like that?”

                They all turned to Caterina.

                The Countess of Forli blinked and frowned. “What?”

                “You’ve known her the longest.” Claudia pointed out.

                “Yeah, but you’re her sister!” Cat yelled back and shook a finger at her.

                “We share a last name. I didn’t know she existed until two years ago!”

                Paola sighed and bowed her head. “She’s so pathetic sometimes, though!”

                Rosa looked up at the courtesan and blinked at her. “…What’s wrong if she doesn’t want to hook up with anyone?”

                In response, the other woman rolled her eyes and brought up her hands before bringing them down on her lap again. “It’s just that…” Paola sighed. “Never mind.”

                Yusuf shrugged.  "It's not the fact that she doesn't want to hook up... more of the fact that she's so heavily against it and shoots anyone down for mentioning the subject. Why do you think I never talk about guys around her?"

                “Yeah,” Paola agreed. “But _why_?”

                It was silent in the lounge. No one had an answer.

                Finally, Yusuf spoke up again. She rolled her shoulders in a shrug. “Meh, another great mystery of the world.”

                Caterina put a hand on Paola’s shoulder and sighed. “She’ll grow out of it eventually.”

                “Hopefully…” Yusuf nodded. And then she felt something warm and slimy on her face. Slowly, she pulled it off. It was a _leech_.

                “DOCTOR!” The assassin shrieked as she looked over at the black woman, who was in turn smiling cheekily and holding a syringe in her hand.

                “Hi, Yusuf.” She greeted with a laugh.

                It took the other four all of their strength to hold back the assassin as she tried to strangle their only healer and shove the syringe down her throat.

                And from the kitchen, Ezio sighed amusingly and popped a bit of chocolate into her mouth. She was probably the only one with a level head out the whole group. And the fresh blood on her outfit, weapons, and the bloody shoe prints she tracked in proved _just_ that.

                At least Paola’s ex wouldn’t be a problem anymore.

                

**Author's Note:**

> Yusuf: Feedback will be very appreciated.
> 
> Ezio: Flames will be used to burn your future husband/wife. >:D
> 
> Yusuf: ...oh God Ezio...


End file.
